When you find yourself in the position of primary carer for someone with a disability or additional needs, it’s not uncommon to feel overwhelmed with the weight of your responsibilities.
Or maybe you constantly second-guess your decisions, with a gnawing feeling that you aren’t doing enough for your loved one.
Carer's guilt is a pervasive and often debilitating emotion, affecting countless individuals who spend their days dedicated to caring for a loved one.
Like Family was founded on the immense dedication and love that drives carers, but even our founders have experienced the challenging mix of guilt and anxiety that manifests in carers.
The good news is that you are not alone. We're here to help you understand, manage, and ultimately move through these challenging feelings.
What is carer's guilt?
Caregiver's guilt is a deep-seated feeling of responsibility, often accompanied by self-blame, regret, or a sense of inadequacy, that arises from the challenges and demands of providing care for another person.
It's not a sign of weakness, but rather a natural, albeit painful, response to a highly demanding and emotionally charged role.
According to the 2024 National Carer survey, more than half (53.7%) of surveyed carers experience high or very high psychological distress, highlighting the pressures felt by carers across the country.
Common manifestations of carer's guilt include:
- Feeling like you're not doing enough: Despite your tireless efforts, you may constantly feel you should be doing more.
- Guilt over needing a break: Taking time for yourself can trigger feelings of selfishness or neglect.
- Regret over past decisions or actions: You might dwell on moments where you felt you fell short.
- Guilt about feeling frustrated or resentful: It's normal to experience these emotions, but they can lead to significant guilt.
- Feeling like you're not enjoying your life: The demands of caregiving can overshadow your personal needs and desires, leading to guilt when you do pursue them.
- Comparing yourself to others: You might feel inadequate when you see other carers, or even compare your own caregiving journey to an idealised version.
- Guilt over considering external support: The idea of asking for help can feel like an admission of failure.
- Financial guilt: Worrying about the cost of care or the impact on your own finances can also manifest as guilt.
Why do carers experience guilt?
Carers often set incredibly high expectations for themselves, aiming for perfection in a role that is inherently imperfect. Many aspects of caregiving are beyond a carer's control, which can lead to feelings of helplessness and subsequent guilt.
Carers may also be grieving the loss of their loved one's former self, their own former life, or the future they envisioned, all of which can contribute to guilt.
The demanding nature of caregiving can lead to social isolation, making it harder to process emotions and gain perspective. We often idealise what "good care" looks like, leading to feelings of inadequacy when reality falls short.
While guilt is a natural feeling to experience as a caregiver, it’s also important to recognise that looking after yourself is just as important as looking after your loved one.
Practical strategies for managing carer's guilt
While carer's guilt can feel overwhelming, there are some simple steps you can take to ease its burden. The first and most crucial one is to acknowledge and validate your feelings.
It's okay to feel guilt, frustration, or sadness about your situation. Suppressing these emotions only strengthens them.
Become aware of the critical voice in your head and consciously reframe these thoughts into more compassionate and realistic ones. Remind yourself, "I'm doing my best in a challenging situation," or "It's okay to need a break."
Set realistic expectations and understand that you cannot do everything. Prioritise tasks and accept that some things may not get done perfectly, or at all.
Remember, "good enough" really is good enough. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend by practising self-compassion. Acknowledge the immense effort you put in and celebrate your resilience.
Prioritising self-care is non-negotiable. Taking breaks, pursuing hobbies, exercising, and maintaining social connections are not luxuries; they are essential for your well-being and your ability to continue caring effectively.
When Like Family founder Mat was feeling guilt about caring for his mum, he found exercise was essential for his well-being, as he discussed on the Like Family Heart to Heart podcast.
”I was always exercising for that as a primary carer because, I knew that if I didn't look after myself, how could I care for someone else? And that's really important. If you can take care of your own mental health or physical and physical health, it's really hard to care and love for someone else.”
Also remember that you don't have to carry this burden alone. Seek support by talking to trusted friends or family members, joining a carer's support group, or considering professional counselling or therapy. A mental health professional can provide strategies for coping with guilt, stress, and burnout.
You can also explore social care services like Like Family, which offer in-home support, giving you much-needed breaks while ensuring your loved one receives excellent care.
Education and communication are really essential tools. Teach your family and friends about the realities of your caregiving role, and don’t be afraid to ask for help, even if it seems like you should be able to manage. As Mat described from his experiences:
”Don't be afraid to talk about what you're going through with anyone. Find the people in your circle that you trust that are going to listen. This all sounds obvious, but it's the execution of it that's really difficult. We all think we can. We can do it, and we can handle it ourselves until it's too late.
“And the burnout cycle is out of control. So I would just say to people, remember that what you're going through, not everyone sees. You can't assume that people understand what you're going through, and then all of a sudden, lash out emotionally because people don't empathise or don't understand what you're going through.”
Acknowledge the small victories and positive impacts you have on your loved one's life, and take moments to be present and appreciate the positive aspects of your life and your relationship with your loved one by practising mindfulness and gratitude.
How Like Family can help
At Like Family, we believe that every carer deserves support, understanding, and the opportunity to live a fulfilling life alongside their caregiving responsibilities.
Our services are specifically designed to reduce the burden of care, offering practical assistance that directly addresses many of the triggers for carer's guilt.
Our friendly and professional Social Carers can offer companionship and support for your loved one, giving you the time you need to rest, recharge, or attend to personal appointments.
We offer flexible support with a range of services tailored to your specific needs, whether it's help with daily activities, social outings, or simply providing a friendly face. This flexibility can help you feel more in control and less overwhelmed.
Knowing that your loved one is in safe and compassionate hands with a Like Family Social Carer can provide peace of mind, alleviating the constant worry and self-doubt that often accompanies carer's guilt.
And for your loved one, engaging with a Social Carer can provide valuable social interaction and reduce their isolation, which can in turn ease your guilt about not always being able to provide constant companionship, fostering a stronger community connection.
Moving forward
Carer's guilt can be a powerful emotion, but it does not have to define your caregiving journey. Remember, you are doing an incredible job. The love and dedication you show your loved one are truly remarkable.
Just remember to allow yourself the grace and compassion you so readily extend to others, and don’t be afraid to set boundaries and ask for help.
If you need a bit of help as a carer, reach out to Like Family today. Our social carers are here, ready to give you the help you need to care for your loved one.